My breastfeeding story begins with my first child. I left hospital with formula as I was told I didn´t have enough milk, that it never came, and that my baby was hungry. I breastfed him for a week, then once a day for the next two months. I also used a bottle and pacifier.

With this next pregnancy, I was so keen to do it differently. I prepared. Read about it. Went to breastfeeding workshops. I believed what was being said everywhere: as long as baby is at the breast, production will be stimulated. If anything is the matter a breastfeeding consultant can help with the latch and everything will be alright. Do not use nipple shields or even ointments, as everything between you and your baby is like a barrier that can make this process even more difficult.

However, the days went by and my milk never rose. The baby did not gain weight. I was supported from the beginning by lactation consultants. They helped me the most.

My baby was born in January 2021, we had the golden hour and he crawled to my breast, slept on me skin to skin. I did everything right. But those first few nights were terrible. He cried a lot, didn´t sleep, always with him at the breast. I took it as normal: babies cry for several reasons, they can go to the breast every 10 minutes, they are establishing milk production. However, days went by and my milk never came. The baby was not gaining weight. I was supported from the very beginning by various lactation consultants. They were a great help. But the baby did not gain weight, on the contrary he lost it. On the advice of my doula, I made an appointment with an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC). And it was confirmed. I had mammary hypoplasia, a lack of glandular tissue/mammary gland for sufficient for milk production. I suddenly realized that I had a whole set of red flags: I didn’t have any changes to my breasts during pregnancy, they’re tubular, I had gestational diabetes and I’m naturally a very stressed and anxious person, which raises cortisol levels. A recipe for disaster…

The day I had to top up with formula I cried for hours. I bought a relactation probe in the hope that my breast would produce more. Finally, things got so bad for me emotionally that I had to introduce the bottle. I was unable to put the baby to the breast that day. I had fallen into a deep postpartum depression due to these challenges. I was overwhelmed by guilt and feelings of failure.

But my IBCLC… is an angel on earth. I had several appointments with her, we managed the dosage of the formula carefully. I did the mindfullness exercises she recommended. I resumed some handicrafts I used to love. I reconnected with myself. Gradually, I rediscovered the pleasure of feeding my child. One day, he no longer cried when breastfeeding. I continued using the probe, except at night because I’m human and I need to rest… and he keeps waking up countless times.

I tried everything possible to increase my milk supply: Promil, all sorts of supplements, milk thistle tea, shatavari, moringa, domperidone, oats, barley, water, cod… nothing seemed to improve much, as the anatomy of my breast is a limitation.

As time went by, I began to accept this way of breastfeeding. I realized that every drop counts and is precious. A little or a lot, it’s my milk. I pumped twice a day for months, until I couldn’t do it anymore. But I was rediscovering the immense pleasure of having my child at my breast. Was it how I dreamed? Not at all. But it was my way, and just a few days before my baby turned four months, I celebrated a huge victory, and reduced the formula from 90mn to 60ml. Me, with my hypoplastic breast, with hormonal issues during pregnancy that made breastfeeding difficult, with little milk ejection reflex, with postpartum depression, I managed to reduce the formula!

Now my baby is six months old and still breastfeeding. Every day. And sometimes, he even prefers the breast. Nobody can understand the joy this gives me. There are nights when I just breastfeed. Others, it´s a bottle. Or two. And that´s ok. I made peace with the bottles. I made peace with the formula.

I’d be lying if I said it doesn´t break my heart still. It does. Some days, caught up in all the logistics of preparing the tube, placing the tube in the breast, adjusting the handle, ensuring that the latch is effective with the tube in his mouth, it´s all too much. It’s tiring, I won’t lie. But the pleasure of knowing I’m doing it outweighs the rest. I feel extremely victorious, against all odds I’m managing to breastfeed my son, it’s been a huge struggle, but the pleasure of breastfeeding him makes it all worthwhile.

On this World Breastfeeding Week, I want to share my story. With all of you mums, pregnant people, postpartum mammas, partners, grandparents, support networks.

I am happy to talk about this, because inevitably the dominant narrative is that all women have enough milk, all you have to do is put the baby to the breast, that it´s a factory and not a warehouse, that feeding on demand solves everything. There may be cases where yes, but there are cases – and I believe it is much more common than we think – that this is not enough.

Please don’t just stick to the basic information.

Question your healthcare professionals. Look out for red flags: have there been any changes in the breasts? Size, colour? Did you feel your milk rising?  Do you have hormonal problems? Stress problems?

Please remember that there are indeed physical, hormonal, and psychological issues that compromise the production and the milk ejection. Don’t be afraid to look for one, or two, or three or ten professional opinions, until you figure out what is going on.

And above all, remember that breastfeeding is much more than food. I had to deconstruct this idea in my head. I’ve always been a perfectionist, I had a hard time accepting that my body was “defective”, that it didn’t produce much milk. I felt my body was damaged because I couldn’t feed my child as I had dreamed. As he went to the breast I cried, cried, and cried. And that’s not at all healthy. You´re not supposed to cry and be miserable, it’s not supposed to be painful. There’s room for all of us, those who have milk and those who don’t, those who want to breastfeed and those who don’t, those who got it and those who didn’t. What is not ok is the judgement that we or others put on ourselves. We all have a huge load inside us, and sometimes that load is so big that we can’t cope. It took me a long time to rediscover breastfeeding for myself. It took me a long time to accept that my body is not deficient, it´s just different. And how much easier my life would have been if I had had this information previously. Maybe the outcome would have been the same. But I would have been prepared, and calmer knowing in advance what could happen, instead of believing piously and blindly that I would be able to breastfeed exclusively because “all women have milk” and because “it is enough to take the baby to the breast”. It is not true, and it is very important to normalize this situation.

I am currently in the process of making the La Leche League accreditation, as I really want to be able to share my story and my experience with more women. Above all, I want to be an active voice that reminds you that feeding on demand is not always enough, not all of us have enough milk, and that is fine! Because breastfeeding is much, much more than just milk. It’s love, it’s affection, it’s tenderness – and if you don’t want to breastfeed, if you can’t, if you won’t, there is still a lot of love, affection and tenderness to go around if you have or choose to bottle feed. The bond is there, otherwise, my oldest son and I wouldn’t have the fantastic connection we share.

Breastfeeding is many things. But it is not, and cannot be judgment.

Breastfeeding is love. Food is love. And everything is alright.