Fully integrating our birth story is a process. It doesn´t happen in a moment. And just like grief, at times it feels like we´re taking one step forwards then two steps back. Just when we thought we were done and at peace. Something triggers a major setback; we experience the pain as if it had happened only yesterday.

Even when we prepare various scenarios, visit various teams, write up a birth plan so darn perfect it could be framed and hung on the wall, a true reflection of the information we have been researching, that perfect balance between what resonates with us, what our values and expectations are…nothing is guaranteed. In Birth, as in Life.

Not even with the antenatal classes?

With a doula?

A physio?

All that nutrition support?

Exercise?

Rest?

Plans A,B,C….Z?

The “tens machine”?

Not going to the hospital “too soon”?

Knowing the evidence off the tip of my tongue?

All that emotional reflection?

Not even then. Don´t get me wrong, the above mentioned support is backed by evidence to increase your chances of a physiological, vaginal or “natural” birth, as many like to call it. (Ok, maybe not the TENS machine).

Birth is unpredictable, and sometimes, babies have their own agenda. Sometimes we understand why that outcome needed to happen. Sometimes we don´t.

But where does this come from? This feeling of failure? What was missing?  Who´s “fault” is it?

If only I had something, or someone to blame, honestly, that would make it easier…

Was it because the hospital was short staffed?

Was it because the baby never descended?

Was it when they said the baby was too big? Did I get scared and lose confidence then?

Was it my last birth´s traumatic circumstances, that I never really got over?

Was it because “once a caesarean, always a caesarean”? That mean self-fulfilling prophecy.

I wish I had some definite answers to give you. Something clear we could point out. Like a bump on the road we had not anticipated that certainly determined the outcome. But I don´t. I really don´t. All I can say, is that this is not about right or wrong. And it shouldn’t be about guilt and shame either. As if your body hadn’t lived up to a certain expected standard. Who is setting up those ideals? Where does this come from? Who determined that physiological birth gets a gold medal? Whoever was induced, chose to have an epidural or needed an instrumented birth got silver? And caesareans get a bronze medal, or just a participation prize? Another way to measure women and their worth? No way. No thank you.

There is more than one “right” way to have a baby.

January Harshe, of Birth Without Fear, said it better: “I don’t care what kind of birth you have…a homebirth, scheduled caesarean, an epidural hospital birth or if you give birth alone in the woods next to a baby deer. I care that you had options, that you were supported in your choices and that you were respected.”

And if you weren’t shame on them. Never on you.

You are so strong and brave and beautiful. Never, ever doubt that.

With love and respect.

Your doula, Sara.

 

Dedicated to all the caesarean mamas I have walked with.