Letter to my little, littlest fish-baby

I barely even know you but I love you so much already. I went online to see what you might look like right about now. You look like a fish to me. My little, littlest fish baby. The first trimester. You swim inside of me, tiny and already so present.

What a special time this is. (Almost) nobody knows about you for now. The symptoms are sometimes here, sometimes not. Is it all my imagination? No! Here you are. Already so full of promise. I love this time. A time before time. When there is still so much time. To act, to plan, to name, to choose, to tell, to find. Before the flood of advice, congratulations, reactions, questions, exams, to-do lists, other peoples´ stories, that are more or less welcome, more or less happy. You’re my precious secret. A time for silence and stillness. And above all, a time to trust. This trusting, this letting go, feels both good and scary to me. There is nothing that needs to be done for you to develop. There are few things like that in life. I’m not used to not having to do something to make something else happen. But yes. I choose to trust.

I’ve been researching, what’s going on with you in there, trying to peer into this mysterious World of yours. The “science” of it all. Science. Well… how we humans like to find ways to sustain the illusion that we have any sort of control over anything at all. It all seems mystical and magical to me.

In the first month of pregnancy the amniotic sac forms around the fertilized egg, and helps to cushion the growing embryo. The placenta also develops by this time in the first trimester. The placenta is a round, flat organ that transfers nutrients from the mother to the baby. A very early face is gaining shape by this time as well. The eyes are two black circles, the mouth, the lower jaw and the throat are also developing. Blood cells begin to take shape, and circulation will begin. At the end of the first month of pregnancy, the baby measures about 7 mm in length, like a grain of rice.

My little, littlest fish-baby. For now, it’s just you and me…

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